How Do Cheaters Act When Confronted & Easy Ways to Respond

According to a 2017 study on married couples, 20% of the participants admitted to having had sexual relations with someone other than their spouse.

The question is, how do cheaters act when confronted? You can muster the courage to ask them the question, but how do you know if they are telling the truth or lying? 

The emotional build-up of asking the question can be a hurdle to overcome, but once you get there and finally ask, it’s important to be prepared. Let’s review the signs of truth-tellers and lying cheaters when asked if they are cheating or not.

1. Gaslighting

It is an age-old trick that a real manipulator or deceiver will do. Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that will make you question your own beliefs and ideas. 

A lying cheater will use gaslighting to sow seeds of doubt that make you question your own ideas and memory, usually leaving you feeling guilty for even asking. Someone who is not a cheater may question why you would ask them if they are cheating, but they will not make you feel guilty for asking. They will want to understand why you are asking and ensure you that they are faithful.

 Someone who is not a cheater will probably understand why you are asking, especially if you have a valid reason. 

Tips for Handling Gaslighting

1. Trust Your Instincts: 

Gaslighting is designed to make you doubt yourself. Trust your gut feelings and instincts. If something feels off, it probably is. Your intuition is a powerful tool in recognizing manipulation.

2. Set Boundaries

Clearly define what behaviors are unacceptable to you. Communicate these boundaries to your partner and stick to them. If they continue to gaslight you, reinforce your boundaries and consider taking a step back from the conversation.

3. Stay Calm and Collected

Gaslighters thrive on emotional reactions. Try to stay as calm and composed as possible during the confrontation. Keeping your cool will make it harder for them to manipulate your emotions and derail the conversation.

4. Use “I” Statements

When expressing your feelings and concerns, use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. This approach helps focus on your feelings and experiences without sounding accusatory, reducing defensiveness and promoting a more constructive conversation. For example, say, “I feel hurt when…” instead of “You always make me feel…”

2. They Put The Focus On You

Putting the focus on you is one-way cheaters act when confronted, this means that if you ask them about cheating, flirting or spending more time with someone else they will redirect the question to you.  

According to a 2019 study involving 11,497 college students, 69% of the participants reported lying, and 44% admitted to cheating in their romantic relationships. They might say that you have been working more or spending more time away from them so they need to spend it elsewhere instead of alone. 

They will also focus on your emotional baggage. Even if you don’t really have much baggage, they could create the illusion that you are insecure, maybe because of an ex-relationship you were in that had some troubles. A cheater will focus on you and completely disregard the fact that you questioned them.

Tips for Handling This Situation:

1. Challenge the Deflection

When your partner tries to put the focus back on you, calmly point out that they are deflecting. For example, you could say, “I notice that you’re shifting the focus to my behavior, but I would like to address my specific concerns about your actions.”

2. Stay Focused on the Issue

When your partner tries to redirect the conversation to focus on you, gently steer it back to the original topic. Reiterate your concerns calmly and clearly, and avoid getting sidetracked by their attempts to deflect. For example, say, “I understand that you feel I’ve been busy, but right now, I want to discuss my concerns about your behavior.”

3. Consider the Relationship’s Health

Reflect on whether the relationship is healthy for you. If your partner consistently deflects, blames you, or makes you feel insecure, it might be time to evaluate whether this relationship is in your best interest. As mentioned in our Infidelity guide, the relationship should bring happiness and security, not constant doubt and stress.

3. They Might Begin To Accuse You

 Another way cheaters act when confronted is to flip the confrontation onto you. This can be a real shocker, especially when you are innocent and have to prove you’ve been faithful to the person you think has not. 

This tactic is not that well thought out. It’s mostly a defense mechanism brought on by their guilty conscience to deflect the blame onto you. Instead of directly replying to your accusation with an honest yes, they start to throw allegations at you. 

The purpose of this could be to have you admit to any type of inappropriate behavior so that you both are equal.

Tips To Handle This Situation

1. Avoid Defensiveness

Resist the urge to defend yourself against their accusations immediately. Instead, calmly state that you are willing to discuss their concerns later, but emphasize the importance of addressing your original question first. This demonstrates that you are not avoiding the topic but prioritizing the current issue.

2. Refocus the Conversation

Gently steer the conversation back to your concerns. Use phrases like, “Let’s address your concerns separately. Right now, I need to talk about what I’ve noticed and how it’s affecting me.” This approach keeps the discussion on track and prevents it from becoming a blame game.

3. Provide Specific Evidence

Bring up specific instances and behaviors that led to your suspicions. Concrete examples make it harder for your partner to deflect and accuse you. Be factual and precise to avoid turning the conversation into a he-said-she-said scenario.

4. They Pretend That They Were Not Happy

The way cheaters act when confronted can be confusing; cheating is a messy situation, and cheaters will attempt to do anything to get out of trouble. If you confront them about cheating, they might not start with an honest “Yes, I cheated”. 

They may turn things around and begin explaining that they were not happy in the relationship, the unhappiness has caused depression, and the unhappiness and depression made them do it. 

This may or may not be how they feel. It could be a lead-up to making you feel guilty because you could not fulfill a desire of theirs. This may not be true, but it gives an excuse and puts you in the wrong.

Tips to Handle this situation:

1. Acknowledge Their Feelings, But Stay Focused

It’s important to acknowledge your partner’s feelings of unhappiness or depression but do not let this derail the conversation. You can say, “I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been feeling unhappy, but I want to address the issue of cheating first.”

2. Separate Issues

Separate the issue of their infidelity from their feelings of unhappiness. Explain that while their emotions are valid and deserve attention, they do not justify cheating. For instance, “I understand that you’ve been unhappy, but cheating is not an acceptable response to those feelings.”

3. Maintain Your Composure

Keep calm and composed throughout the conversation. Emotional reactions can make it easier for your partner to manipulate the situation. Take deep breaths and remain steady in your responses to maintain control of the discussion.

4. Request Specific Examples

If your partner claims they were unhappy, ask for specific examples of when and why they felt this way. This can help determine if their claims are genuine or merely deflecting. For instance, “Can you tell me specific instances where you felt unhappy and why?”

5. They Apologize

Although it’s brutal to hear, at least it’s honest. If there is an immediate apology with remorse, perhaps it’s worth giving the relationship a chance. Your partner must take immediate action steps to resolve this issue and help heal the relationship. 

First, they must take full responsibility for their inappropriate actions. No excuse is valid, although there are definitely some issues with either having the same belief system or a problem within the relationship. Cheating is not acceptable. 

They can also start being less secretive, showing you their phone as a way to be transparent and letting you know where they are going and for how long.

How to Handle this situation:

1. Trust Your Instincts

Pay attention to your intuition. If something feels off or if you sense that your partner’s remorse is not genuine, take it seriously. Your instincts are an important guide in determining the sincerity of your partner’s actions.

2. Assess the Sincerity of the Apology

Evaluate whether the apology is genuine. Look for signs of true remorse, such as consistent behavior changes and a willingness to make amends. A sincere apology often includes a detailed acknowledgment of the hurt caused and an understanding of why their actions were wrong.

3. Require Immediate Action Steps

An apology should be followed by concrete actions to rebuild trust. Discuss and agree on specific steps your partner will take to address the issue. This could include attending therapy, being more transparent, or making lifestyle changes to prevent future issues.

6. How Can You Not Trust Me?

It is another deflection attempt, yet still very common. Using the term, “How could you not trust me?” Is a mix of gaslighting and putting the focus back onto you. This accuses you of being suspicious and makes you feel like a distrustful partner. 

If your partner wants you to trust them, they should be more willing to discuss your doubts or fears. If your partner uses this excuse, then they have baggage around having people not trust them, or more likely, they have guilt and are not telling you the truth.

How to Handle this Situation:

1. Take Breaks if Needed

Don’t hesitate to take a break if the conversation becomes too heated or overwhelming. It’s okay to pause and return to the discussion when both of you are calmer and more collected.

2. Trust Your Instincts

Trust your gut feelings. If something feels off, it likely is. Your instincts are valuable in recognizing manipulation and dishonesty. Don’t dismiss your feelings or let them be invalidated.

3. Reiterate the Need for Mutual Trust

Emphasize that trust is a two-way street. Both partners need to feel secure and trusted. Reiterate that open and honest communication is key to maintaining trust in the relationship.

4. Clarify Misunderstandings

Ensure that there are no misunderstandings about your intentions. Make it clear that your goal is to improve the relationship and that addressing your concerns is part of that process.

7. They Make Silly Excuses:

When you confront your partner, sometimes they throw out excuses that sound so ridiculous they only make your suspicions stronger. It’s almost as if they’re trying to dodge responsibility and avoid owning up to their actions. 

These excuses can be frustrating and confusing, but understanding them can help you see through the smokescreen. According to a 2021 survey by Health Testing Centers, which polled 441 individuals, a little over 46% of respondents in monogamous relationships admitted to having affairs. 

So, hearing these types of silly excuses will make you think that maybe what you are thinking is true. Remember, excuses are often a way to avoid the real issue. By staying calm, asking for clarification, and expressing your feelings, you can cut through the deflection and address the core problems in your relationship.

Here are some common excuses you might hear:

• “It was just healthy flirting.”
• “It’s not what it looks like.”
• “You also have your best friend; why can’t I have someone to rely on emotionally?”
• “She/he is just my friend.”
• “We both worked together, nothing serious.”

Tips to Handle this Situation

1. Ask for Clarification

Ask specific questions about the nature of their interactions. The vaguer their answers, the more likely they’re hiding something. For example, “What exactly do you mean by ‘healthy flirting’?”

2. Stick to the Facts

Base your conversation on specific incidents and facts. This makes it harder for them to deflect with vague excuses. For instance, “You said you were just friends, but I noticed you were texting late at night.”

3. Set Boundaries

Clearly state what behaviors are unacceptable and what you need to feel secure in the relationship. For example, “I need transparency and honesty about your interactions with her.”

8. They Downplay the Situation:

When confronted, an unfaithful partner will often try to make the situation seem less serious. They might smile, make light-hearted comments, or say things intended to diffuse your anger. 

As a relationship expert, I can tell you this is a classic sign of deflection commonly used by unfaithful people. It’s a tactic to avoid taking responsibility for their actions and to make you second-guess the severity of the situation. Recognizing this behavior is crucial in addressing the real issues and moving forward constructively.

Here are some common sentences you might hear:

• “I realized now that I want you more than anything in my life.”
• “I was thinking of you the whole time.”
• “I was so drunk that I wasn’t thinking straight.”
• “He/she came on to me.”

Tips to Handle This Situation

• Insist on Accountability

Make it clear that you need them to take full responsibility for their actions. Avoid letting them minimize the situation or deflect blame.

• Make things Clear:

Point out that thinking of you doesn’t excuse their actions. Respond with, “Thinking of me doesn’t change the fact that you broke my trust. We need to talk about why this happened and how to prevent it in the future.”

• Address the Underlying Issue:

While their statements might sound reassuring, they often attempt to quickly mend things without addressing the underlying issues. Acknowledge their feelings but insist on discussing the betrayal and the steps needed to rebuild trust. Say, “I appreciate that you realize this, but we need to talk about what happened and how we can move forward.”

9. They Start Acting Like They’re the Victims in the Relationship

When confronted about their actions, some people play the victim card to gain sympathy and divert attention from their wrongdoing. They portray themselves as being in real pain, so you forget what they did and feel compelled to comfort them. 

This manipulation can greatly affect your mental health, as you might start taking responsibility for your actions and try even harder to strengthen the relationship. This dynamic can lead to a cycle where the cheater continues to cheat, and you feel it’s your fault.

Here are some common statements you might hear during arguments:

• “You were so busy lately, I was feeling so low.”
• “I had no one to talk to because you were so distant.
• “”You were so busy with your work, I felt lonely.”
• “When you weren’t there, he/she helped me overcome my depression.”
• “If you were good to me, I wouldn’t have found someone else to rely on.”

Tips for Handling This Situation

1. Stay Focused on the Issue

Keep the conversation focused on their actions and the betrayal of trust. Don’t let them divert their attention to their perceived victimhood.

2. Acknowledge Their Feelings, But Don’t Take the Blame

You can acknowledge their feelings without accepting responsibility for their actions. For example, “I understand you felt lonely, but that doesn’t justify cheating.”

3. Set Clear Boundaries

Define and communicate your boundaries. Let them know that deflecting responsibility and blaming you is unacceptable.

4. Insist on Accountability

Make it clear that they need to take full responsibility for their actions. Without accountability, there can be no real resolution or rebuilding of trust.

Easy Ways to Respond When You Confront a Cheater

It is never easy facing a cheater, but having a strategy in place will help you know how to respond in this difficult conversation. Stay calm, set clear boundaries, and seek support in this tough situation.

 But even more importantly, trust your gut and keep your well-being at the forefront. You deserve honesty, respect, and a relationship that brings you happiness. A 2017 study initially published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found a striking pattern: individuals who cheated in their first relationship were three times more likely to cheat again. 

We also shared the blog referred to above for confronting a cheater. Now, let us guide you through some general advice that would set you in control of the situation and also protect your emotional and mental state. So, let’s dive into them.

Express Yourself in “I”

Instead of “You cheated on me!”, say, “I feel badly and let down because of what you did.”

Why It Works: You will be stating how you feel rather than accusing your partner using “I” statements. This can make confrontations a lot less aggressive. Most importantly, it helps explain to them how exactly their actions are affecting you, making them more likely to understand your pain.

Stay Grounded

By all means, keep your feet on the ground, both literally and figuratively. Grounding techniques, such as deep breathing or mindfulness, can help you stay calm and centered in a confrontational situation.

Why It Works: Being grounded allows you to stay within yourself so you are not overpowered by circumstances or emotions. You maintain your wits to manage the conversation.

Ask for Honesty

Gently ask for the truth: “I want you to tell me what happened.”

Why It Works: Requesting to be told honestly will appeal to your partner’s honesty. You want to get to the bottom of the situation, about which you should have all the facts. Honesty in communication is the cornerstone of restoring trust, and directly asking is a signal that you are prepared to hear the truth no matter how painful.

Listen Actively

Watch what your partner is saying very carefully. Nod up and down and repeat if necessary to confirm understanding.

Why It Works: Active listening shows that you value their perspective and, in addition, can help you pick up on any inconsistencies in their story. By listening, you create an environment where the two of you can communicate more effectively and, thus, better understand the situation.

Make Your Limits Known

Clearly state what you are asking for and how to proceed. For example, “I need transparency and open communication if we are going to work through this together.”

Why It Works: Boundaries clearly define what is acceptable and what is not, and at the same time, they provide both of you a new place to move from if you do decide to stay together. They are the only protection for your emotional well-being and a roadmap for reestablishing trust.

Avoid Blaming

Focus on behavior, not the person. For example, instead of saying, “You’re a liar,” you could say, “Your actions hurt me deeply.”

Why It Works: Staying away from blame will decrease defensiveness and keep the conversation neutral and on point. It helps create a space for dialogue more than an argument. More fruitfully, calling out the behavior signals a more fruitful conversation could take place on what steps to take next.

Consider a Moment to Reflect

Take a little time after the conversation ends or it starts creeping on your nerves. It’s okay to back out and brood about your next moves.

Why It Works: Through reflection, you can sort your emotions out, which may help you decide what you want. Decisions are to be made when you can think clearly. This time to yourself knows your real feelings and what’s best for you.

Emotional Support

Discuss it with your trustful friends, family, or a therapist. Sometimes, just talking about your feelings with someone you trust greatly helps.

Why It Works: The support systems bring comfort and perspective with them. They can help you steer through feelings and give you much-needed advice. Talking to other people who care about you makes you feel less alone and makes you probably be able to deal with the situation.

Self-Care

Make self-care non-negotiable. Do anything that relaxes and rejuvenates you, such as going to the gym, seeing a movie, reading, or catching up with friends.

Why It Works: Consistent self-care works from your reservoir of resilience and is your preparation to be ready to face difficult circumstances. It keeps your emotional and mental health at the top of the list.

Final Words:

How do cheaters act when confronted? Hopefully, you have gained enough information about your partner that you know without any doubt that they cheated. If not, you will either need to do more research, investigate, or hire professional help. Sometimes, you have expended all of your resources, and there is nothing left to do but ask.

That can be okay, especially if you have no other options. Don’t forget there are tools you can use, such as spy phone apps and background checks. Phone apps to see who they are contacting and background checks to find out information about the people they are contacting.

Once you are ready to confront them, use your research as proof if they deny it. If you don’t have enough information but need to ask because you have run out of options, then use these reactive examples as notes to navigate your partner’s truth or lies.