Understanding Why People Cheat – The Psychology Behind Infidelity

We all have that one couple in our circle of friends or family who seem completely in love. They often get called “love birds” because they appear to be the perfect pair, true “soul mates” who will stay together forever. But then, during a long chat with friends, you hear the shocking news that one of them has been cheating on the other all along. This can break your heart and make you wonder if true love really exists or if people always cheat.

It might surprise you to know that 30-40% of unmarried relationships go through at least one instance of cheating. Like all human behaviors, infidelity has deep psychological reasons behind it. People don’t just cheat out of nowhere; underlying issues are often at play.

In this blog, we’ll explore why people cheat on their partners. We’ll look into the psychological reasons that push someone to hurt the person they love. By understanding these reasons, we can better grasp what leads to infidelity and how to prevent it. 

Let’s dive into some of the psychological factors behind infidelity. We’ll explore ten key reasons and their underlying psychology to uncover the hidden factors contributing to this painful experience.

1. Lack of Emotional Fulfillment

Emotional neglect in a relationship can be subtle but damaging. When one partner consistently feels ignored or undervalued, it can erode the emotional foundation of the relationship. According to recent stats, around 90% of women and 77% of men worldwide admit to committing emotional infidelity. Dr. Sue Johnson, therapist, author, and the pioneering innovator of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), emphasizes the importance of secure emotional connections in relationships. She states, “When we feel emotionally disconnected from our partner, we become vulnerable to seeking that connection elsewhere.” 

Dr. Harriet Lerner, a clinical psychologist and author of “The Dance of Anger,” discusses how emotional neglect can manifest in relationships. She notes, “But one of the hallmarks of emotional maturity is to recognize the validity of multiple realities and to understand that people think, feel, and react differently. Often we behave as if “closeness” means “sameness.”

When people feel ignored or unappreciated by their partners, they often feel empty inside. This neglect can push them to look for emotional fulfillment outside their relationship, searching for someone who makes them feel noticed and valued. Seeing an unknown number on their partner’s phone can be a clear sign of this emptiness, reminding them of what’s missing at home.

5 Psychological Factors Behind It:

• Attachment Theory: People with insecure attachment styles may struggle to form deep emotional bonds, leading them to seek validation outside their primary relationship.
• Emotional Loneliness: Even in a committed relationship, one might feel emotionally isolated if their partner is emotionally unavailable or dismissive.
• Communication Breakdown: Poor communication skills can prevent partners from expressing their emotional needs, leading to frustration and disconnection.
• Validation Seeking: Some individuals constantly need affirmation and attention, which they might find in someone else if not provided by their partner.
• Neglect: If one partner feels consistently neglected or undervalued, they may seek someone who appreciates and listens to them.

2. Sexual Dissatisfaction

Sexual compatibility and fulfillment are super important in any relationship. When these needs aren’t met, it can sometimes drive people to look elsewhere for satisfaction. This issue has been discussed by many psychologists. For example, Esther Perel, a famous relationship expert, said, “The erotic is an antidote to death. It’s about feeling alive, vitality, creativity, connection, aliveness.” When sexual needs are not met within a relationship, it can lead to feelings of frustration and disconnection. According to recent data gathered from the General Social Survey, 20% of married men and 13% of married women admitted to having sex with someone other than their spouse.

 Dr. David Schnarch, another well-known psychologist, explained, “Sexual desire problems often represent the surface manifestation of deeper relationship issues.” This means that problems in the bedroom often reflect bigger issues in the relationship. When partners have different levels of sexual desire, known as desire discrepancy, it can create tension and drive one partner to seek satisfaction outside the relationship. 

Sometimes, people crave variety and new experiences, which might not be fulfilled within a monogamous relationship. Issues like performance anxiety or sexual boredom can also make someone look elsewhere for excitement and validation.

5 Psychological Factors Behind It:

• Desire Discrepancy: Different levels of sexual desire can create tension, leading one partner to seek satisfaction outside the relationship.
• Exploration and Variety: Some individuals crave novelty and variety in their sexual experiences, which might not be fulfilled within a monogamous relationship.
• Performance Anxiety: Issues like erectile dysfunction or lack of sexual confidence can make one partner avoid sex, leading the other to seek it elsewhere.
• Boredom: Routine and lack of excitement in the sexual relationship can push someone to find thrills with another person.
• Sexual Trauma: Past sexual trauma can impact one’s sexual relationship with their partner, sometimes leading to infidelity as a coping mechanism.

3. Opportunity and Circumstance

Sometimes, cheating happens simply because the opportunity presents itself, and the individual succumbs to temptation. This can be due to poor impulse control or situational factors that make infidelity more likely. For instance, someone traveling for work might find themselves in situations where they are tempted, and without the usual constraints, they might give in. Dr. Nelson says. “Certainly, there are cases where one partner intentionally seeks out an affair … but there are also professions that are likely to have more organic opportunities for cheating.” The thrill of secrecy can also be a powerful motivator. So, even though there are many reasons why people might cheat, sometimes it comes down to the simple fact that the chance was there, and they took it. 

5 Psychological Factors Behind It:

• Impulse Control: Individuals with poor impulse control may struggle to resist temptation when an opportunity arises.
• Situational Factors: Being in situations that facilitate infidelity (e.g., traveling for work) can increase the likelihood of cheating.
• Alcohol and Substance Use: Impaired judgment due to alcohol or drugs can lead to decisions one might not make when sober.
• Peer Influence: Friends or colleagues who condone or engage in infidelity can create a permissive environment.
• Thrill-Seeking: The excitement of a secret affair can be irresistible to some individuals who thrive on adrenaline and risk.

4. Unresolved Relationship Issues

Unresolved relationship issues can create a fertile ground for infidelity. When conflicts linger and problems go unresolved, it can lead to a breakdown in communication and trust. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned psychologist, states, “Unresolved conflicts can create a toxic atmosphere where resentment builds.” This toxic atmosphere can drive partners to seek solace and understanding outside the relationship. 

In such cases, infidelity becomes a misguided attempt to find emotional support and validation that is lacking at home. The constant stress and dissatisfaction from unresolved issues make it easier for individuals to justify their actions, leading to a cycle of betrayal and hurt. 

You will be surprised to know that 70% of all Americans engage in some form of infidelity at some point in their lives.  Addressing these conflicts head-on and working towards resolution is crucial in preventing infidelity and fostering a healthy, trusting relationship.

5 Psychological Factors Behind It:

• Avoidance Behavior: Instead of addressing problems, some individuals might avoid confrontation by seeking comfort elsewhere.
• Resentment: Built-up resentment over unresolved issues can lead to a desire for revenge or a sense of entitlement to seek happiness elsewhere.
• Emotional Disconnect: Chronic arguments can lead to an emotional disconnect, making it easier to turn to someone else for emotional support.
• Stress Relief: The stress from unresolved issues might drive one to seek solace in an extramarital affair.
• Lack of Conflict Resolution Skills: Inability to effectively resolve conflicts can perpetuate problems, pushing individuals to look for escape routes.

5. Personal Growth and Change

People grow and change over time, and sometimes this personal evolution leads to infidelity. As individuals evolve, they may find that their current relationship no longer aligns with their new self, prompting them to seek a better match. 

This can happen during significant life transitions, such as career changes or becoming parents, which can alter relationship dynamics. Psychologist Dr. Carl Jung once said, “The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are,” highlighting the importance of personal growth. 

However, this journey of self-discovery can sometimes cause individuals to drift apart from their partners. Renowned psychologist Esther Perel also notes, “Affairs are about hurt and betrayal, but they are also about longing and loss and self-seeking.” explaining how infidelity can be a misguided attempt to rediscover or redefine oneself.

5 Psychological Factors Behind It:

• Identity Crisis: Personal changes or crises (e.g., midlife crisis) can lead to seeking new experiences or relationships.
• Self-Discovery: Some individuals cheat as part of a journey to rediscover or redefine themselves.
• Life Transitions: Significant life changes (e.g., career changes, becoming parents) can alter dynamics and lead to infidelity.
• Personal Dissatisfaction: Unhappiness with oneself can sometimes be projected onto the relationship, leading to infidelity as a misguided solution.
• Seeking New Connections: As people evolve, they may feel their current partner no longer aligns with their new self, prompting them to seek a better match.

6. Revenge and Retaliation

Sometimes, people cheat because they feel hurt or betrayed by their partner, and they want to get back at them. This is called retaliatory infidelity. An American psychological researcher who specializes in divorce prediction and marital stability Dr. John Gottman said, When someone feels deeply wronged, they might cheat to make their partner feel the same pain. It’s a way of saying, “If you can hurt me, I can hurt you too.” 

This type of infidelity is often driven by anger and resentment. It’s important to understand that while this may seem like a way to even the score, it often leads to more pain and does not solve the underlying issues. Renowned therapist Esther Perel also mentions You will hear people say, “It’s not that you cheated, it’s that you lied”. This anger will drive people to do something reckless. 

5 Psychological Factors Behind It:

• Betrayal Response: Discovering a partner’s infidelity might prompt retaliatory cheating as a form of revenge.
• Anger and Resentment: Feelings of anger and resentment can drive one to cheat as a way to hurt the other partner.
• Power Dynamics: Cheating can be a way to regain a sense of control or power in a relationship where one feels powerless.
• Tit for Tat: A belief in ‘an eye for an eye’ can lead individuals to infidelity in response to their partner’s actions.
• Emotional Vindication: Some seek emotional vindication by cheating, believing it will alleviate their hurt or prove a point.

7. Low Self-Esteem

When individuals don’t feel good about themselves, they might cheat to feel better temporarily. According to Dr. Nathaniel Branden, a famous psychologist known for his work on self-esteem, said, “The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance” This means that when people are aware of their low self-esteem, they can start working on it. 

Cheating might seem like a quick fix to feel valued and desired, but it’s not a healthy solution. Instead, building self-esteem through positive affirmations, self-care, and therapy can lead to more fulfilling relationships. Dr. Branden also said, “Self-esteem is the reputation we acquire with ourselves.” So, by improving our self-esteem, we can improve our relationships and our lives.

5 Psychological Factors Behind It:

• Validation: Seeking external validation and affirmation can lead individuals with low self-esteem to engage in affairs.
• Self-Worth: Infidelity might be a way to feel desired and valued, temporarily boosting one’s self-esteem.
• Escape from Insecurities: Cheating can serve as an escape from deep-seated insecurities and self-doubt.
• Attention-Seeking: Constantly needing attention and affirmation can drive individuals to seek it outside their relationship.
• Compensation: Low self-esteem might lead to compensating through infidelity, as a misguided way to feel better about oneself.

8. Lack of Commitment

Lack of commitment in a relationship can often lead to infidelity, as psychological factors play a crucial role. When one partner is not genuinely committed, they may seek fulfillment outside the relationship. Renowned psychologist Dr. John Gottman emphasizes that commitment involves a personal dedication to continue in a relationship and to make it better. 

Without this dedication, the emotional bond weakens, making infidelity more likely. According to Harville Hendrix, “Giving love may be easy, embracing it and letting it change you is another matter. Many of us have trouble accepting the affection we so deeply desire, when the truth is that we are loved, we just don’t see it. Instead we brush away compliments and create obstacles to true intimacy.“

 This lack of commitment and communication can create a cycle of dissatisfaction and disconnection, ultimately pushing one or both partners towards infidelity.

5 Psychological Factors Behind It:

• Fear of Commitment: Some individuals fear deep commitment and subconsciously sabotage their relationships through infidelity.
• Exploratory Phase: Those not fully committed might still be exploring their options, leading to affairs.
• Unclear Relationship Goals: Unclear or mismatched relationship goals can result in one partner seeking fulfillment elsewhere.
• Emotional Detachment: Lack of emotional investment can make it easier to cheat without feeling guilty.
• Casual Attitude: A casual attitude towards relationships might lead to a higher likelihood of infidelity.

9. Narcissism

Narcissism is a complex personality trait that can have a significant impact on relationships, particularly when it comes to infidelity. A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships reveals that approximately 25% of people have encountered some form of narcissistic abuse in their relationships. Psychologically, narcissistic individuals often have a heightened sense of entitlement and a constant need for admiration, which can lead them to cheat on their partners. Famous psychologist Dr. Craig Malkin explains that narcissists often cheat because they feel entitled to have whatever they want, regardless of how it affects others. This sense of entitlement makes them prioritize their own desires over the feelings and well-being of their partners. 

Additionally, Dr. Malkin also mentioned that narcissists need almost constant validation, and cheating can provide that thrill of new admiration. This craving for admiration and attention can drive narcissistic individuals to seek out multiple relationships, thus leading to infidelity.

 5 Psychological Factors Behind It:

• Entitlement: Narcissists often feel entitled to pursue whatever makes them happy, including infidelity.
• Lack of Empathy: Their lack of empathy can make them disregard the emotional impact of their actions on their partner.
• Need for Admiration: Constant need for admiration and validation can lead them to seek multiple partners.
• Manipulative Behavior: Narcissists might use infidelity as a tool to manipulate and control their partner.
• Grandiosity: A sense of grandiosity can make them believe they are above the rules and deserve multiple partners.

10. Cultural and Social Influences

Cultural and social factors significantly influence the normalization or discouragement of infidelity in relationships. Renowned psychologist Dr. John Gottman believes that our culture has a powerful impact on our behavior and attitudes towards fidelity. 

In some societies, infidelity may be glamorized through media portrayals, making it seem more acceptable. Conversely, cultures that emphasize strong family values and loyalty can discourage such behavior. Social influences, such as peer pressure and community norms, also play a role. 

Thus, understanding these cultural and social contexts is essential in addressing and preventing infidelity in relationships.

Psychological Factors Behind It:

• Cultural Norms: In some cultures, infidelity is more socially accepted or even expected, influencing individual behavior.
• Peer Pressure: Social circles that condone or engage in infidelity can normalize the behavior.
• Media Influence: Portrayals of infidelity in media can desensitize individuals to the consequences and normalize the behavior.
• Changing Social Values: Evolving social values and attitudes towards monogamy and relationships can impact perceptions of infidelity.
• Economic Factors: Economic independence, particularly among women, can shift power dynamics and influence decisions around infidelity.

Final Words:

Understanding the psychology behind why people cheat is a step towards addressing and potentially resolving the underlying issues. Relationships are complex, and infidelity is often a symptom of deeper problems rather than the root cause. By recognizing and addressing these psychological factors, couples can work towards healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

If you ever find yourself or someone you know grappling with this issue, remember that professional help, such as therapy, can be a valuable resource. It’s about understanding, healing, and moving forward in a way that’s best for both partners.