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Cheating & Infidelity

How To Rebuild Trust After Cheating?

rebuild trust after cheating

The most important way to recover from infidelity is to make sure you rebuild trust after cheating. Rebuilding trust is going to be the most difficult task at hand. Once trust has been broken, it can take a long time to come back fully, if ever. If you or your partner cheated and you want to repair the relationship, trust is going to need to be the focus. We will outline to you the most important steps to rebuild trust because without trust no amount of counselling, time or effort will allow you both to feel fully safe and secure within the relationship.

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1.Stop Lying, be 100% Honest No Matter What!

You may think, well some little white lies are okay. If you want to rebuild trust after cheating they are not, ever. Especially now, these little white lies are what your partner will think could lead up to more serious lies. Be brutally honest about everything, if you don’t like their deodorant and they ask you if it smells okay, say no. This type of honesty builds trust on a smaller level, it also builds depth to the level of honesty by keeping consistent over a longer period of time. The more honest you are, about the small things the better. This is the same with being honest about big decisions as well.

2.Cut Any Possible Ties With The Cheatee

When it comes to having the person you had an affair with still in your life, the old saying is that it’s like trying to put the toothpaste back into an empty tube. It’s a total mess, a waste of time and you can never put back what you already used, or did. If your partner requests it or hints at it, break all ties with this person immediately. In fact, if easily done as this person is outside of your workplace initiate breaking the ties on your own. If this person was in your place of work, request a transfer or do everything in your power to not work with this person anymore.

You cannot expect your spouse to be able to heal from the affair if they are constantly being re-triggered by your continual communication with the other person. Having any form of contact with this person tells your partner that you’re okay with associating with the very person who instigated the act of destruction against your relationship.

3.Give Your Partner Time To Heal

You can rebuild trust after cheating by also rebuilding their sense of safety in you. If you expect them to stop wondering whos texting you, why they still smell your shirt or check your laundry pockets when they are in the hamper then you are pushing them too fast. Step back and just let them process however they need to, if you truly love them and want to make things better then you need to let them process. Giving them time to heal, also lets them release the stress in their own way, in their own time, which down the road will allow them to feel secure and safe in your presence because they can truly be themselves.

This is why some couples actually feel a stronger connection with each other after they have healed from infidelity.

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4.Keep Your Life An Open Book

An open book is obviously easier to read than judging the cover. Coming and going and expecting to be trusted with where you went and for how long is now a luxury of the past. If you know that you will be late coming home from an event, or if your plans have changed in your day at all, give your partner the security of a quick phone call and let them know. The consistent contact will help them feel more involved and aware, this will help them to not worry about why it is taking so long for your return or why your plans changed. 

If your cell phone is kept on lock, rebuild trust after cheating by making sure they know the password and that your phone can be accessed at any time. Even though your partner might not be interested in looking at your phone the fact that it’s easily accessible will help their mind not go into a defensive mode like it would if your phone was always in your pocket. Going into the store while your spouse is in the car? Leave your phone in the car, they might not check your phone, but they will feel happy that you feel secure leaving your phone beside them while you are gone.

If they do check it, they will be relieved to not find anything negative, other than messages to your friends about how lucky you are.

5.Do Not Get Defensive

In the past, you might have put up a good fight within arguments, proving points and contending your opinions and beliefs. If you want to rebuild trust after cheating, being defensive makes your partner think you might be hiding something. If you find yourself in an argument, remember that your partner might still be carrying anger due to the infidelity. It’s better to meet confrontation with remorse,
empathy, compassion, honesty, and continual emotional availability.  One of the most effective ways to help you deal with your partner’s anger is to take ownership of your own selfishness and previously destructive behaviour.

You are not in a place where you can try to win arguments, do you want to be right? Or be in a relationship?

-“If you don’t have trust, you don’t have anything. There’s nothing to build on. It’s just sand that washes away,” –  Les Parrott, Ph.D.

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